you may have seen the link i posted on facebook. it was an article on a "disease" that has become an epidemic--
" "Perfection" is a mom hating herself because she only sees that every other mom around her is the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and the perfect neighbor. I'd give anything to be Mrs. Jones. Today she ran 34 miles, cooked six complete meals, participated in a two-hour activity with each of her seven children, hosted a marriage class with her husband, and still had time to show up for Bunco. What this mom doesn't know is that Mrs. Jones is also at home crying right now because the pressure to be "Perfect" never lets up."
mommy blogs, the selective nature of social networking, and the happy face that we all feel like we need to put on has infected women everywhere, and has put suffocating pressure on (particularly) young moms to be infallible. it's easy to blog about the *perfect* vacation to hawaii you just returned from. it's easy to post a status on facebook that states how *perfect* today was because your 5 year old wrote a letter to his grandparents using 3 syllable words without any spelling errors, your newborn slept all night, and your hair looks amazing. those things are all great things, and you should talk about them!
but when is it ok not to be perfect?
i'm tired of playing taboo.
here are some doses of real for you:
* i had high expectations for my pregnancy with maddox. it was the first time i was going to be pregnant with mostly nice weather. i was going to be active. i was going to be healthier than ever before.
wrong.
i felt like junk the majority of the time. i had low blood pressure and anemia that resulted in lots of fatigue, headaches, dizziness, and lots and lots of breathlessness. i got really depressed...but i was infected with perfection--no one really knew. jason knew. my kids knew something wasn't right. mommy was too sad. mommy cried too much. it made it hard to be excited about the pregnancy. it made it hard to want to prepare. yes, i loved and wanted this baby more than anything. i cried when i had spotting at 22 weeks because i was terrified of losing him...i was just so out of tune that i couldn't find joy in much at all. i'm better than i was, but i am not all better. i've been trying to work through it myself and it hasn't worked, so i'm looking into a natural supplement.
* i miss being just a mommy. i hate the pressure of having to get school done every day. i hate that we're behind for various (legitimate) reasons and now the place i go through is on my back about it. i hate that all of my attention is devoted to one child all morning long while the others are vying for my attention. i wish that if my attention was being devoted to just her, that we were out spending a mommy/daughter day together, not doing schoolwork. i don't have bad feelings towards her, but i wish that i didn't feel like i am missing out on the precious first few (school free) years of the others. i wish we were all together playing and laughing, snuggling and relaxing.
...but almost everyone i know home schools! most of the mommies from my home school group are going to read this post! how could i say such a thing?!
well, because it's the truth. maybe it's the stress of having a baby during my first real year of home schooling. maybe it's the curriculum. maybe it's because syd potentially needs help that i am not equipped to give her. maybe it's a combination of things. maybe it's just not for us. we haven't decided yet. i know i used strong words, but i don't want to come across as anti-homeschool. i won't even say for sure that we won't continue after this year. i'm just letting it out because i'm tired of the facade and wish that just once someone could admit when there is a struggle. what a breath of fresh air it is to feel like you aren't alone.
***
i could probably keep going, but you get the gist of it. these are the things i've been struggling with the last year. these are some of the ugly things that no one wants to talk about, but i will. sometimes i'm afraid of the stigmas of depression that society and the legalistic side of christianity assign; but i won't be held down by them. i'm tired of feeling looked down upon if i don't fit into an idealistic box, and that extends beyond depression and whether or not i home school. it's OKAY to be different! if only i could remember this when i feel otherwise! there's definitely a difference between being real and saying too much. you have to protect yourself...and somehow, if you feel like it's the right time, find the balance and go for it.
i'm not trying to be loud, opinionated or rebellious. i'm trying to put myself out there with the faint hope that others will, too. that in the age of technology, we can support and inspire one another, regardless of faults, regardless of the inability to be perfect...because believe it or not, imperfection is freeing.
9 comments:
amen! thank you for being so honest
Oh Andrea! Where to begin? I love your openness and honesty. It made me cry a little for lots of reasons - because I suffer from perfectionism too, because I identify with lots of your feelings, because I wish you knew that people are here for you to talk anytime about the yucky parts of motherhood. There is no shame in it. Motherhood is NOT perfect. The role we have is a serious and stressful one. The pressure can be unbearable at times. And I for one am a HUGE fan of being open and honest. In fact, some people might say I am too much of an open book. I'll tell you anything about me if you want to know. Being open is so refreshing! That's probably why I do it so much. Also? I tend to surround myself with family and friends so that I'm not alone in the ups and downs of life. I highly recommend it! Also? Ask for help, especially when it comes to your babies or needing alone time. The first three years of motherhood for me were soooo hard. My boys are 18 months apart and my husband was working 7 days a week and crazy hours. He only came home to sleep a little. While it was a joyful thing to be a new mommy, it was the hardest lowest time of my life. I cried all the time and was cranky and tired all the time. I truly felt like I had lost my joy.
You know what? I'm going to email you the rest so I don't clog up your comment section.
Motherhood is hard! I am not perfect either. I yell and sometimes scream. It's not pretty, but it's life. Homeschooling is hard too and finding time to juggle everything is sometimes impossible. There are days when our formal learning is 10 mintues. Some days the kids just play and that's okay too. I've had very low points too and I'm guessing most mothers reading this can relate. It will get better.
Drea - there are so many of us out there that can relate! I hate how in the idea of "perfection" we close ourselves off and act too self-sufficient! I admit I need help all the time! I wish I could get more and I wish others would call out for it so I can help too.
I know I'm supposed to continue home schooling but believe me, there are days when I would love to have just with my girls or just play with Nicolas! (and sometimes, we do!)
My daughter keeps talking about your daughter so we need to get together for a coffee/play date soon! I think our sicknesses have ended!
Lisa
what saddens me is what really happens when we are all desperately acting "perfect" to each other. we are only putting one more brick on that towering wall between the women that, in reality, are the ones that could help us all the most because we so deeply relate. yes husbands can be beyond amazing, and they can try so very hard to understand. but talking, screaming, crying with someone that is going through the same thing or has previously enables you to see that it IS ok to have all those feelings, and can give you one more weapon to fight the struggle.
i applaud your realness, and i hope that it speaks to many women that need to hear it.
xoxo
That was like a breath of fresh air! LOVE your courage to be real. If only more people would be brave enough to step out of their plastic world and show their true self....praying that God reveals HIS plan for YOU and peace in the meantime. Love you girl!!
andrea,
i hope when you read my posts you see that i struggle, too. i thank you for your honesty and yes, there is freedom in that. if you ever want to talk about anxiety and depression, i'm your girl. i am curious about what kind of natural supplement you're taking? depression has been a battle for 9 years, and anxiety just came about with the arrival of story. i feel a bit like a crazy person, but when i am in the Word, i feel better. it's not MY fault that there are some chemical imbalances in my brain.
motherhood is HARD--the emotional intensity of it all is HARD...i still miss my "just wilder" time. we have to trust that our kids will turn out okay, even if we're not getting the time that we want.
You don't know me, but I used to be friends with your husband and sister-in-law (she was my maid of honor) ~ we all grew up together. Thank you so much for that post. I just had my second child and they are twenty months apart. Long story short, I have been feeling the same way for several weeks and it was recently intensified by an innocent comment from my husband. I have been trying to find a non-offensive, healthy way to vent my frustrations and "get myself back together." I follow your blog and this post spoke to my heart. Thank you for opening the door and putting yourself out there. I know that took a great amount of courage. From following your blog, I see that you are an awesome mommy and beautiful young woman. Jason couldn't have done any better than you. I hope some day we can meet so I can thank you in person.
A.D.
this post sums up so much of what i've felt ever since i began blogging. i started out being super real because nobody except for my mom read my blog. then, slowly, friends of mine started their own blogs and began reading mine and the temptation to avoid certain topics and candy coat the rest was getting pretty strong.
still, i've stuck with the whole "being real" thing because i believe it can help people when they're going through crap in their own lives. i fearfully posted about my postpartum depression after having my first child and got (mostly) overwhelming encouragement. since then, its been a lot easier to keep being so honest.
i know that i appreciate when other bloggers are the same way, so thank you. it makes the rest of us imperfect people feel like we're not alone after all.
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