savoring

we have spent the majority of this summer living life, but not documenting it.

i was ok with that...

but i know that i've already forgotten so much and i wish i had posted more.

in the moment, you think you'll never forget.

in a week, once you've slept at least 3 hours consecutively per night

and then greeted the sun by way of early greetings from your own son,

memories fade so fast, 

and life catches you up in her quick little dance.

it gets hard to catch your breath.

we fought jaxon for months.

every night, every nap time.

he wouldn't stay in bed.

for hours we would go back and forth.

finally we discovered the underlying issue-

he hates to be alone.

now, we usually let him fall asleep on the floor (his preference),

in the hall or just inside the living room.

we carry him to his bed as we turn in for the night,

but not before i lay down next to him and kiss him all over 

until my heart is content.

it's the only time he's that still, 

and no matter what he says, 

he's still my baby.

this afternoon, he was fighting again.

he wouldn't lay still, so i made him go to his own bed.

he cried, "sleep with me, please!"

as i'm walking to the door, i tell him i can't...

and then a little voice inside stops me and says, "why not?"

so i curl up next to him in his toddler bed.

he instantly calms, 

and i put my hand on his little chest while i watch it rise and fall, 

slowly into a rhythm.

i'm taken back, not so very long ago, 

when he was tiny enough that i could curl up around him.

he was never content unless we were tummy to tummy, skin to skin.

my mind began to race--

"lord, this is going too fast. i'll keep the tantrums. i'll keep the diapers. 

i'm not ready for this to pass by me. i'm not ready for "real" problems.

my kids *want* to be with me now. what am i going to do when they don't?

my baby is almost one. i don't plan on having more...saying that makes me ache, 

but i don't think i'll ever be 'ok' with my babies growing up. it wouldn't matter if i had 15..."

on and on it went until i realized that i was getting too far ahead of myself.

slow down. 

they're still so small. 

his grace is (and will be) sufficient.

that promise swept peace over me and i let go of my fears.

 little by little, i inched my way out of that creaky little bed,

stopping every few movements when his little eyes would flutter open.

when i was finally out of his room, i came here.

i needed to document this.

i need to remember these moments.

a year ago :: reminiscing

today, i had a brilliant idea.

i loaded up all four kids to go check out the new joann fabrics out east.

when we walked in,

i began reviewing my mental list of the fabrics i needed...

and then jax's arm got stuck

and ali's mosquito bite was wet

and ali needed fat quarters of this and that for her "kids"

and max doesn't like the sleep wrap anymore...

that part i've known for months.

my much needed concentration was elusive...

so i left without buying anything.

so now, i'm at home, drinking coffee while listening to the jordan howerton band and waiting for jason to get home so i can hit up hobby lobby & target.

for fun, i decided to see where i was a year ago today:

well, i was 20 weeks pregnant.

the day before, we had just found out we were having another boy.

so sweet.

i love my babies...but i don't miss being pregnant. 

at all.

am i the only one who thinks my smile in this picture looks like the grinch?!

source

my first baby boy was still so little...

ali still had a bit of baby fat left.

her hair was so cute at that length.

even sissy looked younger, but not much.

she's getting old enough that her looks don't drastically change it one year's time.

it's so strange.

she also had a loose tooth.

it makes me feel old...or basically that i don't feel old enough to be at this stage yet.

jason and i talk often about how we don't really *feel* older than when we were 18 or so...

just a lot wiser.

praise.the.lord.

but his hairline is receding, much to his dismay.

i just smile and say, "we're growing old togevers!"

(typo intended!)

and my body isn't bouncing back as fast this time,

much to the delight of all you haters who gave me a hard time after previous pregnancies. ;)

in the words of destiny's child: "i don't think you're ready for this jelly."

i put on a shirt from high school last night before bed.

it made me feel like the incredible hulk--like if i bent over it would split down the back.

yeah i'm bustier now because of nursing, but really?

it wasn't long enough to keep my tummy covered, either.

i was shameless, or the shirt has shrunk.

i know the answer, but we'll go with the shrinking theory.

anyway, i took it off and put a big t-shirt on.

that's hot.

so we're growing older and wiser and our kids are getting older.

i would be sad, and sometimes i get emotional...

but really?

it just keeps getting better.

these kids are a lot of fun,

and having my honey by my side makes all the difference.

hello again

well, once again, it's been awhile. partly because may was a crazy, crazy busy month. partly because i haven't made blogging a priority. partly because the blog world makes me heavy hearted sometimes and i needed a break!
i have so much that i could catch up on, but honestly, that's a bit overwhelming. that's why i'm just doing a boring words only post. i'll fill in what i've been up to as i go. i do have a post almost finished that has been sitting as a draft for a long time, so i'll probably go ahead and post that one today, too.
i was reading all kinds of crafty blogs, etc like crazy...but then i realized that the more i focus on blogs, the more inadequate i feel. i know those of you reading who don't blog won't get this, and that's ok...but when i'm reading and seeing great giveaways and such, it makes me want to grow my blog, too. but honestly? i feel like all that would do for me is promote narcissism and place value on what people thought of me and what i was writing. that's not good for my heart. my self worth isn't based on what anyone reading these words says, and i don't want to focus on that. i don't work outside the home, but i work hard here in my home. i don't want something i enjoy--like blogging--to become a job. it will burn me out and take too much time from my family. know what i mean? if it works for you and you love it, that's great. really! it just isn't good for me.
i have been spending a lot of time on crafty outlet projects and fixing up the house. i really, really love creating things. i've found that i'm the most satisfied with really hands on projects. sewing counts, but i mean antiquing furniture, spray painting, sanding things down, using muriatic acid...=P i'm excited to show you those things, too. i got some really great stuff at a garage sale yesterday, and one is a huge painting to go above my couch. i need to fix the frame and get it spray painted, and then i'll show you all my treasures.

<3

ugly heart

 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." 

--ephesians 4:31-32

 lately, i've had an ugly heart.

i try really hard to take my thoughts captive, to not entertain things that i know i shouldn't.

of course there are some things, some people, that are harder to ignore than others.

a lot of times in those situations, i barely feel like i'm keeping my head above the water.

sometimes, the waves are too much to handle.

i give up.

i sink...

and my heart becomes ugly.

the feelings inside and the things i say to my closest confidantes

are not the things i want to feel and say...

but the release of getting those feelings out and not stifling myself

are freeing...it feels so good to be understood.

yet at the same time, they are taking me captive and pulling me farther under.

i'm feeding my 'flesh', and the negative feelings grow.

i let other people's ignorance, actions of entitlement, pride and façades mix with

anger, bitterness and hurt feelings from the past.

it's not a good combination.

i am supposed to love as christ loved.

forgive as he forgave.

how can i profess to be a christian

when i cannot love the lost?

my jesus loved me when i was the worst of the worst.

he saved me even though he saw the darkest parts of me as no one else has.

since i am no better than anyone else,

how can i not forgive, not love anyway?

when will my feelings be of less of importance

than the eternal goal?

maybe sharing my life will never make a difference to certain people.

but maybe it will.

maybe i will go on getting hurt anyway,

the way i hurt my jesus so many times...

but he in all his perfection still loves me--

and i need to keep on loving, too.

so. to those of you i have unloaded on, i'm sorry.

i appreciate your love and support...but pray with me--

pray for me.

love me enough to tell me when i'm saying too much...

when i'm crossing the line between making sure i'm doing the right thing

and trying to figure things out,

and when i'm just hurt, angry, and running my mouth.

if i confide in you, you know my heart...and you know i don't like when i feel this way.

it's time to clean house.

thank you

i just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all of your love, support, and words of encouragement. it warms my heart and spurs me on. i'm looking forward to the time the low feelings are a thing of the past, but until then, i'm so thankful to have so many friends and family behind me. <3

breaking perfection

you may have seen the link i posted on facebook. it was an article on a "disease" that has become an epidemic--

perfection.

i didn't agree with everything that was said. i don't condone every behavior or lifestyle choice mentioned. disclaimer aside, there was truth in the article. if you look hard enough, you can find yourself there. i found myself here:

" "Perfection" is a mom hating herself because she only sees that every other mom around her is the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and the perfect neighbor. I'd give anything to be Mrs. Jones. Today she ran 34 miles, cooked six complete meals, participated in a two-hour activity with each of her seven children, hosted a marriage class with her husband, and still had time to show up for Bunco. What this mom doesn't know is that Mrs. Jones is also at home crying right now because the pressure to be "Perfect" never lets up."

mommy blogs, the selective nature of social networking, and the happy face that we all feel like we need to put on has infected women everywhere, and has put suffocating pressure on (particularly) young moms to be infallible. it's easy to blog about the *perfect* vacation to hawaii you just returned from. it's easy to post a status on facebook that states how *perfect* today was because your 5 year old wrote a letter to his grandparents using 3 syllable words without any spelling errors, your newborn slept all night, and your hair looks amazing.  those things are all great things, and you should talk about them! 

but when is it ok not to be perfect?

i'm tired of playing taboo. 

here are some doses of real for you:

 * i had high expectations for my pregnancy with maddox. it was the first time i was going to be pregnant with mostly nice weather. i was going to be active. i was going to be healthier than ever before. 

wrong.

i felt like junk the majority of the time. i had low blood pressure and anemia that resulted in lots of fatigue, headaches, dizziness, and lots and lots of breathlessness. i got really depressed...but i was infected with perfection--no one really knew.  jason knew. my kids knew something wasn't right. mommy was too sad. mommy cried too much. it made it hard to be excited about the pregnancy. it made it hard to want to prepare. yes, i loved and wanted this baby more than anything. i cried when i had spotting at 22 weeks because i was terrified of losing him...i was just so out of tune that i couldn't find joy in much at all. i'm better than i was, but i am not all better. i've been trying to work through it myself and it hasn't worked, so i'm looking into a natural supplement.

* i miss being just a mommy. i hate the pressure of having to get school done every day. i hate that we're behind for various (legitimate) reasons and now the place i go through is on my back about it. i hate that all of my attention is devoted to one child all morning long while the others are vying for my attention. i wish that if my attention was being devoted to just her, that we were out spending a mommy/daughter day together, not doing schoolwork. i don't have bad feelings towards her, but i wish that i didn't feel like i am missing out on the precious first few (school free) years of the others. i wish we were all together playing and laughing, snuggling and relaxing.

...but almost everyone i know home schools! most of the mommies from my home school group are going to read this post! how could i say such a thing?! 

well, because it's the truth. maybe it's the stress of having a baby during my first real year of home schooling. maybe it's the curriculum. maybe it's because syd potentially needs help that i am not equipped to give her. maybe it's a combination of things. maybe it's just not for us. we haven't decided yet. i know i used strong words, but i don't want to come across as anti-homeschool. i won't even say for sure that we won't continue after this year. i'm just letting it out because i'm tired of the facade and wish that just once someone could admit when there is a struggle. what a breath of fresh air it is to feel like you aren't alone.

***

  i could probably keep going, but you get the gist of it. these are the things i've been struggling with the last year. these are some of the ugly things that no one wants to talk about, but i will. sometimes i'm afraid of the stigmas of depression that society and the legalistic side of christianity assign; but i won't be held down by them. i'm tired of feeling looked down upon if i don't fit into an idealistic box, and that extends beyond depression and whether or not i home school. it's OKAY to be different! if only i could remember this when i feel otherwise! there's definitely a difference between being real and saying too much. you have to protect yourself...and somehow, if you feel like it's the right time, find the balance and go for it.

i'm not trying to be loud, opinionated or rebellious. i'm trying to put myself out there with the faint hope that others will, too. that in the age of technology, we can support and inspire one another, regardless of faults, regardless of the inability to be perfect...because believe it or not, imperfection is freeing.

Perspective

I love my job. I'm a wife and a mommy, the two things I most wanted to be when I grew up. I love being home with my babies, and I love making my home something my husband can be glad to come home to. But as much as I love it, it's a difficult job.

Today wasn't a good day.

I didn't do a good job at turning bad moods around. I didn't do a good job at verbalizing my frustrations to my kids or to my husband in the right way....and I wanted a nap, I wanted 30 minutes of uninterrupted quiet time--a time to at least try to regain some sanity.

None of that happened.

I could (and wanted to) be frustrated about it. I could complain. I could take it out on my children or my husband. I could lock myself away for the next hour until my very good friend comes to visit.

But I won't. Instead, I choose to be thankful.

*I'm thankful that my husband not only deals with my moments when I think I'm about to lose it, he listens to me, loves me, and guides me "off my ledge".

*I'm thankful for the forgiving spirit of my children. I'm not perfect by far, and I mess up. I don't always feel like the best example...but my babies still love me and don't hold it against me.

*I'm thankful for the small moments with my children that make all of the rough ones worth it--nursing, snuggling, crafting, learning, smiles and belly laughs.

It's all about the perspective--and I have to make sure I remember that.

Open Ending

I guess it wasn't very nice to ask you to play a guessing game with me and then leave you hanging for 3 weeks (or however long it's been), was it?

If you guessed that our house was for sale, you were right!

I had waited to blog about it until I was pretty sure things were well on the way. It's funny how you can be so sure of something one day, and have it all change the next.
We had put a contract on a house we came across online and had fallen in love with. It was contingent on the selling of our house, with a closing date of November 10th. We were getting more web hits and having more showings than any other house in our price range by far. Our projected turnaround time was 7-11 days...
Two days before we were due to go on vacation, our realtor called to say the other house had another contract offer, which gave us 72 hrs to come up with a solution. The only solution for us was to sell our current house(vs likely getting stuck with 2 mortgage payments). It didn't happen.
It was hard to lose that house. Really hard. I let myself believe it was ours. I saw the Christmas tree in the bay window and heard my children's tiny feet pitter pattering up and down the stairs. I imagined long, hot baths in the claw foot tub and hours of sewing in the "closet" in the master bedroom that was as big as another bedroom. I looked forward to evenings watching my children play outside while relaxing with my husband on the wrap around porch.
It was hard to let that all go, but I knew I had to.
I had been really frustrated because I had prayed that it wouldn't get this far if it wasn't meant to be. I kept praying, and He was silent. I felt so disappointed and let down, but at the same time I knew that He has never let me down before. It was very confusing...but something wonderful happened.
He spoke to me through my husband. Jason was able to lead me through this and to help me let go. I've always been a skeptic, always as self-reliant as possible. I've grown in leaps in bounds since being married. I'm no longer Miss Independent but still like to know what's going on. In this situation I had no clue and had to rely on my husband to fully and lovingly lead me through.

It has transformed things between us. It turned an already wonderful marriage into something even greater.

He leads with a confidence I've never seen. I follow in a way I've never known. I have a new respect for him, and he for me.

We still don't know what we're going to do. Our house remains unsold, and my heart has yet to be won by another house. We're seeking wisdom as to whether or not to keep our house on the market or pull it off. Our main hesitation at this point is taking it off only to find that the other financing fell through which would put us back in first place for the other house. Thankfully, He always gives wisdom--but prayers from you wouldn't hurt, either. ;)

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes,well you just might find, you get what you need..."

Or even better than the Rolling Stones, is a place of contentment I've come to--

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." --Philippians 4:12

Even if we never have a beautiful old Victorian home, we have what we need right here. And if "all" that comes from this was a transforming facet in my marriage, then I say it is well worth it.

Like Bleach On My Scarlet Letter

I am writing all of this to share my heart. I don't have a large blog following, and I'm glad. It's more intimate this way, and many of you are my very dear friends. I feel like we are called to be there for one another, to lift each other up--So here I am.
For almost 5 years, I've felt haunted by what I have come to call my Scarlet Letter-Not the same situation as the book, but the same feeling, nonetheless. At first, it was my testimony, but the farther I got from that place in my past, the less I wanted to talk about it. I like the depiction of the perfect young family. Our marriage, our house, our 3 small children. OUR children--all 3 of them.
I've faced many emotions, ranging from fear for my safety and fear of the unknown, to shame, anger and regret. It's hard when I've known I have been forgiven, but still felt bound by it. I still immediately scan the area when I'm in public. I avoid Quik Trip, and get nauseous & shake if I think I see him (which I have, but he didn't see me and I was able to leave). It's become habit for 4 1/2 years, something I still think about each day.
I think that sometimes forgiveness--having our slate wiped clean--isn't viewed that way. As humans, we still see the sin. We still remember the hurt and shame. I still cringe when I have to make an appointment for Sydney because her last name is my maiden name. It feels like a constant reminder of the former, a slap in the face. "Look--she was an unmarried mother... "
Yes, we want Jason to adopt Sydney. No, it hasn't been pursued yet. The first few years of marriage are tighter financially, and we've also had a fear of rocking the boat, so to speak. I got a no contact order put in place when I was pregnant with Sydney and I haven't talked to "him" since. It will be 5 years in November, and that will also be 4 years since Jason and I have been together. He is the only Dad she has ever known, and he completely loves her as his own. The lack of genetics to biologically bind them in no way lessens their bond, or his role as her father. Period.
Truthfully, I am the one that struggles the most, because I'm the one that made the mistakes. I cannot tell you how much I hate it. I cannot tell you how many tears I've cried. If only I would have waited. If only I would have known my worth. If only...
Like I said, I would love to say my husband is my only one. I would love to say that I didn't make completely foolish decisions. I can't. What I can say, is that who I was is not who I am. As my husband said to me last night, "Here are two stories. Pretend you don't know who I'm talking about:" (I am paraphrasing)

There was a girl who grew up in church, but decided to go her own way. She lived a partying lifestyle all through high school, and was involved in a very toxic relationship. She got pregnant shortly after high school and wound up alone.

Then there was a girl who had made some bad decisions, but decided to give her life to the Lord. She got married to a loving, forgiving man, they bought a house and now have 3 children. Her husband adores her, and she adores him as well.

Doesn't sound like the same person, does it?

I don't know that girl anymore. I don't have to wear that Scarlet Letter. It doesn't sound fair..."but the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair."-Relient K I can rejoice today because I am no longer bound. My decision to put off the former life has been rewarded, even though I didn't deserve it. I'm getting ready to celebrate my 3rd wedding anniversary and I can do so without having to worry about people thinking, "Oh, they've only been married 3 years? But they have a 4 year old daughter. I thought they were Christians." You bet we are. That doesn't mean that I'm required to be perfect. It doesn't mean that I am any less of a Christian now because of what I once was. I was unworthy of redemption, but the price was already paid.
I try to 'keep it real' on here, and this is just a post from my heart. It's not an easy one to write. I know there will be some who may judge me anyway. I know some may not understand. That's ok. I'm writing it as my blog therapy. I have no one to impress, nothing to prove. I may be a bit scattered and random, but that's ok, too. I'm just me, and I'm finding peace.

As a side note, I was listening to the radio today, when "East to West" came on. This last part nearly had me in tears, as I had just been thinking of what to write for this post, without it being my words:

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other...

Sweet relief.

Age Ain't Nothin' But A Number

Writing is a funny thing. I started this post 3 days ago. I was determined to write a well thought out post with good, strong paragraphs displaying a cohesive thought process. In high school, I could throw together a 5 page paper in an hour and a half, the day before it was due. Blogging should be a breeze, right?

Funny thing is, I didn't get far. I don't know about all of that cohesive thought business. It doesn't seem to work for me anymore (I call that being a Mommy). Last year, I got bored with putting captions under pictures that obviously showed what was happening anyway, and started writing the way I talk. Now, blogging is one of my favorite things.

Without further ado, and hopefully some cohesive thought, I'm going to try again with my 3 day old post. Ahem.

I dropped my sister off at Friends University the other night for a meeting of sorts. As I was driving on the road in front of the dorms, I saw two girls about 19 or 20 coming out of one of the buildings. I began comparing where they were in life to where I was. They were happily chatting together, headed out for a carefree evening, albeit normal stress of a college student was in there somewhere, I'm sure. Me? I was driving in my minivan, hair pulled back with my mind on getting home to my family--a husband and three young children. It was supper time, and I needed to get the soup going. I must be at least 10 years older than those girls, right? Not quite--Four years at best. Still, I was feeling so much older, so out of place thinking of the difference between us.

Don't get the wrong idea. In no way do I regret the life I have. I became a Mommy in less than ideal circumstances, and I was young; but it was the biggest blessing in disguise I could have imagined. I was saved from a lot of heartache, and got to know my Jesus in a very real way for the first time during that period of my life. There are consequences I still carry from the decisions that I made, (my many thoughts on this I will save for another post) but the Lord has blessed my decision to follow Him and that is why I am where I am today.

I am in a very different stage in life than a lot of people my age, but that's ok. It used to be a tough thing for me because I didn't really have friends my age, but I'm beginning to see that age doesn't really matter anymore. Most people I know who are my age are either unmarried, newly wed, or just having their first baby. Other friends are well established with many years of marriage and children under their belts. I enjoy having friends in all ages and stages of life.

It's never been just Jason and I, and we're ok with that, too. We love raising our children and enjoy having a bigger family. We don't feel like we're missing out on anything, but do look forward to the day when it will be 'just us' for the first time. It will be like a second honeymoon, only a lot longer. If the past 4 years is any indicator of how things will be, which I believe it is, things will just get keep getting better.

You May Have Noticed...

Under my profile, I have a separate blog listed called "Inside My Fortress". It's an invitation only blog, and you don't have access, right?

Be not dismayed.

I don't have a single thing posted on that blog.

I started it to post the things that don't fall under the 'family blog' category. The only reason it's listed as private is because it's a work in progress and pointless to have open at this point since there's nothing there! I was getting ready to make my first post over there, but I can't. I was trying to differentiate "Andrea" from "Mommy". I just can't, and I'm not complaining. The two are interchangeable and multi-faceted. It's a beautiful thing. I called it "Inside My Fortress" because my home is my fortress. I love it here...and I bring you all into my home on a regular basis through my blog. So then, what is the point of having a separate blog??