hello again

well, once again, it's been awhile. partly because may was a crazy, crazy busy month. partly because i haven't made blogging a priority. partly because the blog world makes me heavy hearted sometimes and i needed a break!
i have so much that i could catch up on, but honestly, that's a bit overwhelming. that's why i'm just doing a boring words only post. i'll fill in what i've been up to as i go. i do have a post almost finished that has been sitting as a draft for a long time, so i'll probably go ahead and post that one today, too.
i was reading all kinds of crafty blogs, etc like crazy...but then i realized that the more i focus on blogs, the more inadequate i feel. i know those of you reading who don't blog won't get this, and that's ok...but when i'm reading and seeing great giveaways and such, it makes me want to grow my blog, too. but honestly? i feel like all that would do for me is promote narcissism and place value on what people thought of me and what i was writing. that's not good for my heart. my self worth isn't based on what anyone reading these words says, and i don't want to focus on that. i don't work outside the home, but i work hard here in my home. i don't want something i enjoy--like blogging--to become a job. it will burn me out and take too much time from my family. know what i mean? if it works for you and you love it, that's great. really! it just isn't good for me.
i have been spending a lot of time on crafty outlet projects and fixing up the house. i really, really love creating things. i've found that i'm the most satisfied with really hands on projects. sewing counts, but i mean antiquing furniture, spray painting, sanding things down, using muriatic acid...=P i'm excited to show you those things, too. i got some really great stuff at a garage sale yesterday, and one is a huge painting to go above my couch. i need to fix the frame and get it spray painted, and then i'll show you all my treasures.

<3

there are days...

some call it the terrible twos.

some blame it on spring fever.

whatever it is,

it's vicious.

i say things to myself like, 

"now why, exactly, did we celebrate turning 2?!"

he's into everything...

which has been happening for a year or more,

but now he's equipped with the gift of language

and the curse of fits.

there are days, 

like today,

when all i can do is put him on his bed

and walk out of the room because i am seeing red,

and i know i am *thisclose*

to a 360 head spin and projectile green vomit everywhere.

 i sent a text to my husband--

"jaxon is going to give me a mental break down.

i'm not kidding. please pray for me..."

as a last ditch effort, 

i shuffled everyone outside for some fresh air before lunch.

wound up and fit to be tied,

i watched my kids run and soak in the sun

and i began to breathe again...

and then that boy who nearly brought me to tears with his naughty behavior did this--

"flowers, mommy."

and i'm sure most mommies feel this way,

but when dandelions are brought to me

by sweaty, dirt covered, yellow stained hands,

they are beautiful.

they aren't weeds.

they're thoughtful expressions of love from a little heart.

and i melted...

i wasn't mad at him for screaming and throwing fits.

i wasn't mad at him for going in and waking baby max.

i wasn't mad at him for telling me no and melting down.

i wasn't mad at him for taking his dirty diaper off in the middle of the kitchen.

i wasn't mad at him for interrupting me every 5 seconds while i was trying to teach school.

i saw his loving heart through his huge blue eyes 

and i held him close and kissed his filthy cheeks.

it was a new start to the day...

...and then he tore up my beloved lilies.

luckily his good intentions overshadowed my frustrations

and we just pretended it never happened.

ugly heart

 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." 

--ephesians 4:31-32

 lately, i've had an ugly heart.

i try really hard to take my thoughts captive, to not entertain things that i know i shouldn't.

of course there are some things, some people, that are harder to ignore than others.

a lot of times in those situations, i barely feel like i'm keeping my head above the water.

sometimes, the waves are too much to handle.

i give up.

i sink...

and my heart becomes ugly.

the feelings inside and the things i say to my closest confidantes

are not the things i want to feel and say...

but the release of getting those feelings out and not stifling myself

are freeing...it feels so good to be understood.

yet at the same time, they are taking me captive and pulling me farther under.

i'm feeding my 'flesh', and the negative feelings grow.

i let other people's ignorance, actions of entitlement, pride and façades mix with

anger, bitterness and hurt feelings from the past.

it's not a good combination.

i am supposed to love as christ loved.

forgive as he forgave.

how can i profess to be a christian

when i cannot love the lost?

my jesus loved me when i was the worst of the worst.

he saved me even though he saw the darkest parts of me as no one else has.

since i am no better than anyone else,

how can i not forgive, not love anyway?

when will my feelings be of less of importance

than the eternal goal?

maybe sharing my life will never make a difference to certain people.

but maybe it will.

maybe i will go on getting hurt anyway,

the way i hurt my jesus so many times...

but he in all his perfection still loves me--

and i need to keep on loving, too.

so. to those of you i have unloaded on, i'm sorry.

i appreciate your love and support...but pray with me--

pray for me.

love me enough to tell me when i'm saying too much...

when i'm crossing the line between making sure i'm doing the right thing

and trying to figure things out,

and when i'm just hurt, angry, and running my mouth.

if i confide in you, you know my heart...and you know i don't like when i feel this way.

it's time to clean house.

day 56: u-g-l-y

i can cook. really, i can...

but i make ugly pancakes.

they taste good,

but they're ugly.

i can never get them perfectly round,

and i'm a little awkward at flipping them sometimes.

they do taste good, and i suppose that's all that matters in the end,

but i don't like ugly food.

how am i supposed to achieve june cleaver status someday 

if i can't get consistently round, evenly cooked pancakes?

i bet it's the apron.

maybe i just need to whip a full apron up...

(since i never use my half apron)

i bet that will help...

and maybe a pretty dress, too.

please don't judge me.

i'm going to go eat the evidence now.

ode to summer

it's funny how things change.

as you all know, i'm not a winter person.at.all.

if i were a depressed teenager

(and thankfully i am neither depressed nor a teenager),

i might have expressed my inner feelings by painting my walls black...

not that i ever did that.

ahem.

i only left 1 black. 

the other 3 were sponge painted a fluorescent red and orange.

the other one was left black in order for my friend and i to practice our artistic ablility--

tagging.*

lovely.

as a much healthier adult, i express my need for light both inside and outside

by repainting the living room a light, airy color...

and posting about summer.

**i didn't ever tag public property, just my wall and lots of paper...

unless you count the "brick" wall in a play i was in as a junior. ;)
i also was never in a gang or even pretended to be a thug
(me, a thug?!)
i just thought it looked sweet...which it does

these were from may of last year:

little bouquets from an almost (then) two year old...

bike riding...in a skirt (!)...

and the only kind of "tagging" i do these days...

 ...outside of the occasional Magna Doodle.

i'm waiting anxiously for summer, and even spring...

but until then, knowing that they are coming 

and bringing more memories along the way

is worth the wait...

so i'll just sit here and stay warm inside.

the hobbit

i'm definitely not in to lord of the rings or any of the other hobbit stuff, but this hobbit i most definitely AM in to. my honey found me a '78 honda hobbit moped. it wasn't running when he got it, but it didn't take long for him to get it going...so i've been driving it around the neighborhood and i really dig it. i don't want to drive a motorcycle at all, but this, this is my thing.

for your viewing pleasure:

..."take a long ride on my motor bike until i'm ready--a crazy little thing called love."

Perspective

I love my job. I'm a wife and a mommy, the two things I most wanted to be when I grew up. I love being home with my babies, and I love making my home something my husband can be glad to come home to. But as much as I love it, it's a difficult job.

Today wasn't a good day.

I didn't do a good job at turning bad moods around. I didn't do a good job at verbalizing my frustrations to my kids or to my husband in the right way....and I wanted a nap, I wanted 30 minutes of uninterrupted quiet time--a time to at least try to regain some sanity.

None of that happened.

I could (and wanted to) be frustrated about it. I could complain. I could take it out on my children or my husband. I could lock myself away for the next hour until my very good friend comes to visit.

But I won't. Instead, I choose to be thankful.

*I'm thankful that my husband not only deals with my moments when I think I'm about to lose it, he listens to me, loves me, and guides me "off my ledge".

*I'm thankful for the forgiving spirit of my children. I'm not perfect by far, and I mess up. I don't always feel like the best example...but my babies still love me and don't hold it against me.

*I'm thankful for the small moments with my children that make all of the rough ones worth it--nursing, snuggling, crafting, learning, smiles and belly laughs.

It's all about the perspective--and I have to make sure I remember that.

Guessing Game

Yes, I know.

It's been a long time since I've blogged. Too long. We've been pretty busy lately...

What's that? You've got an idea but you need another hint?

Ok.

Can you guess why I've been a little preoccupied?

If you already know, don't cheat! No comments from you! =)

Confessions of a House-aholic

• I love to look at houses. Jason and I often get Starbucks and take long drives on Sunday afternoons just for that purpose...and to enjoy conversation while our children sleep.
• If we're driving at night, I hope people have their curtains open so I can see inside.
• If we know you're looking to buy a house, we might just look for one for you.
• I told Jason just the other day that I should be a Realtor, since I love it so much. Hmm...

I confess these things not because I am ashamed and need to be freed of it, but so that you can understand that what I am about to show you is right up my alley:

HOUSE TOURS

I must warn you, though. Your human nature will try to get the best of you and you might have to fight off the urge to covet these beautiful homes and their wonderful decor.

I haven't looked at all of them, but I know that this one
is my very favorite. The only thing that makes me nervous is wondering what kinds of Bali creatures get in there since
there are no walls?

Battle Wound

I'm showing you my sweet bruise because I have an awesome story to go with it, and it goes as follows:

Two days ago, I needed to run out to the van to get something. I heard something coming up behind me, and turned to see the neighbor's dog charging me. I started to run backwards when I fell into the side of the trailer we're borrowing to get the junk out of our garage. Luckily, there was a metal piece in the bed of the trailer that I was able to grab and use to scare the dog off before I was bit.

Ok, not really.

What actually happened was that I was putting a bunch of Christmas cards on the mailbox to send out that day. I didn't want to get my feet wet from the snow, so I just sort of leaned out the door. When I leaned back in, my hip hit the door knob. By the next morning, it was ugly looking like that. It makes me laugh because it was such a lame injury.

Now do you see why I had to make the first story up? Bruises like that are supposed to come from baseball bats and brave things like that...not door knobs.

PS-I think it's a pregnant thing. I usually don't get sweet bruises like this.

PPS-My wedding ring is not on in this picture. It does not make me happy, but it's for a good reason--WINTER. This stinkin' weather makes my skin so dry that the only time I'm able to wear my rings anymore is if I leave the house. Otherwise I swell from dryness. Again, lame.