Open Ending

I guess it wasn't very nice to ask you to play a guessing game with me and then leave you hanging for 3 weeks (or however long it's been), was it?

If you guessed that our house was for sale, you were right!

I had waited to blog about it until I was pretty sure things were well on the way. It's funny how you can be so sure of something one day, and have it all change the next.
We had put a contract on a house we came across online and had fallen in love with. It was contingent on the selling of our house, with a closing date of November 10th. We were getting more web hits and having more showings than any other house in our price range by far. Our projected turnaround time was 7-11 days...
Two days before we were due to go on vacation, our realtor called to say the other house had another contract offer, which gave us 72 hrs to come up with a solution. The only solution for us was to sell our current house(vs likely getting stuck with 2 mortgage payments). It didn't happen.
It was hard to lose that house. Really hard. I let myself believe it was ours. I saw the Christmas tree in the bay window and heard my children's tiny feet pitter pattering up and down the stairs. I imagined long, hot baths in the claw foot tub and hours of sewing in the "closet" in the master bedroom that was as big as another bedroom. I looked forward to evenings watching my children play outside while relaxing with my husband on the wrap around porch.
It was hard to let that all go, but I knew I had to.
I had been really frustrated because I had prayed that it wouldn't get this far if it wasn't meant to be. I kept praying, and He was silent. I felt so disappointed and let down, but at the same time I knew that He has never let me down before. It was very confusing...but something wonderful happened.
He spoke to me through my husband. Jason was able to lead me through this and to help me let go. I've always been a skeptic, always as self-reliant as possible. I've grown in leaps in bounds since being married. I'm no longer Miss Independent but still like to know what's going on. In this situation I had no clue and had to rely on my husband to fully and lovingly lead me through.

It has transformed things between us. It turned an already wonderful marriage into something even greater.

He leads with a confidence I've never seen. I follow in a way I've never known. I have a new respect for him, and he for me.

We still don't know what we're going to do. Our house remains unsold, and my heart has yet to be won by another house. We're seeking wisdom as to whether or not to keep our house on the market or pull it off. Our main hesitation at this point is taking it off only to find that the other financing fell through which would put us back in first place for the other house. Thankfully, He always gives wisdom--but prayers from you wouldn't hurt, either. ;)

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes,well you just might find, you get what you need..."

Or even better than the Rolling Stones, is a place of contentment I've come to--

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." --Philippians 4:12

Even if we never have a beautiful old Victorian home, we have what we need right here. And if "all" that comes from this was a transforming facet in my marriage, then I say it is well worth it.

Like Bleach On My Scarlet Letter

I am writing all of this to share my heart. I don't have a large blog following, and I'm glad. It's more intimate this way, and many of you are my very dear friends. I feel like we are called to be there for one another, to lift each other up--So here I am.
For almost 5 years, I've felt haunted by what I have come to call my Scarlet Letter-Not the same situation as the book, but the same feeling, nonetheless. At first, it was my testimony, but the farther I got from that place in my past, the less I wanted to talk about it. I like the depiction of the perfect young family. Our marriage, our house, our 3 small children. OUR children--all 3 of them.
I've faced many emotions, ranging from fear for my safety and fear of the unknown, to shame, anger and regret. It's hard when I've known I have been forgiven, but still felt bound by it. I still immediately scan the area when I'm in public. I avoid Quik Trip, and get nauseous & shake if I think I see him (which I have, but he didn't see me and I was able to leave). It's become habit for 4 1/2 years, something I still think about each day.
I think that sometimes forgiveness--having our slate wiped clean--isn't viewed that way. As humans, we still see the sin. We still remember the hurt and shame. I still cringe when I have to make an appointment for Sydney because her last name is my maiden name. It feels like a constant reminder of the former, a slap in the face. "Look--she was an unmarried mother... "
Yes, we want Jason to adopt Sydney. No, it hasn't been pursued yet. The first few years of marriage are tighter financially, and we've also had a fear of rocking the boat, so to speak. I got a no contact order put in place when I was pregnant with Sydney and I haven't talked to "him" since. It will be 5 years in November, and that will also be 4 years since Jason and I have been together. He is the only Dad she has ever known, and he completely loves her as his own. The lack of genetics to biologically bind them in no way lessens their bond, or his role as her father. Period.
Truthfully, I am the one that struggles the most, because I'm the one that made the mistakes. I cannot tell you how much I hate it. I cannot tell you how many tears I've cried. If only I would have waited. If only I would have known my worth. If only...
Like I said, I would love to say my husband is my only one. I would love to say that I didn't make completely foolish decisions. I can't. What I can say, is that who I was is not who I am. As my husband said to me last night, "Here are two stories. Pretend you don't know who I'm talking about:" (I am paraphrasing)

There was a girl who grew up in church, but decided to go her own way. She lived a partying lifestyle all through high school, and was involved in a very toxic relationship. She got pregnant shortly after high school and wound up alone.

Then there was a girl who had made some bad decisions, but decided to give her life to the Lord. She got married to a loving, forgiving man, they bought a house and now have 3 children. Her husband adores her, and she adores him as well.

Doesn't sound like the same person, does it?

I don't know that girl anymore. I don't have to wear that Scarlet Letter. It doesn't sound fair..."but the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair."-Relient K I can rejoice today because I am no longer bound. My decision to put off the former life has been rewarded, even though I didn't deserve it. I'm getting ready to celebrate my 3rd wedding anniversary and I can do so without having to worry about people thinking, "Oh, they've only been married 3 years? But they have a 4 year old daughter. I thought they were Christians." You bet we are. That doesn't mean that I'm required to be perfect. It doesn't mean that I am any less of a Christian now because of what I once was. I was unworthy of redemption, but the price was already paid.
I try to 'keep it real' on here, and this is just a post from my heart. It's not an easy one to write. I know there will be some who may judge me anyway. I know some may not understand. That's ok. I'm writing it as my blog therapy. I have no one to impress, nothing to prove. I may be a bit scattered and random, but that's ok, too. I'm just me, and I'm finding peace.

As a side note, I was listening to the radio today, when "East to West" came on. This last part nearly had me in tears, as I had just been thinking of what to write for this post, without it being my words:

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other...

Sweet relief.

Miracle

This story gave me chills and so I have to pass it on. I copied this from the family's blog:

MckMama

Baby Stellan:

"In the womb, he was diagnosed with heart failure: premature atrial contractions at 20 weeks; supraventricular tachycardia, hydrops, and intermittent advanced secondary heart block at 23 weeks; and enlargement of the heart at 32 weeks. When the doctors told us at 24 weeks that our very ill baby would surely die, we chose to give our son completely to God, for He alone knows best..."

Stellan's story spread all over and started a prayer movement. He was born on Oct. 31st--COMPLETELY HEALTHY!!
His heart is still a little enlarged showing that it was sick and had had to work hard, but should eventually become normal size.

God is still God, still answers prayers and STILL performs miracles!

MckMama's faith is evident in this excerpt from a recent blog entry:

"Why did our son get so sick and nearly die and then get restored to full health and go on to be delivered a perfect baby?

I think the answer to that is pretty self-evident: So that we could share our story with many in order that heads would be scratched, souls would be searched, and that glory would be given to God alone.

Could glory have been given to God if our son had, indeed, died? Absolutely. I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that, with a desperately broken heart, I would be praising His name alone today if that were the case. And glory is equally due to God alone that our son is, indeed, still alive."

Wow, to have a faith like that...

Rahab's Redemption

Ok, I'll admit it--I'm a blog stalker. Naturally I keep up on blogs that my friends write, but every now and again I'll peruse through and find other blogs that catch my eye. Usually if it's just a personal family type of blog, I don't keep going back...well, unless someone's pregnant. It's so exciting to me to watch the journey through pregnancy and then the joy as they welcome their new baby.
Anyway, this blog I found was a little different. It's Angie Smith's blog, and her husband sings with Selah. They've gone through an incredible journey this last year, when they lost their youngest daughter shortly after birth. I spent a long time reading their story one day, and have been very inspired and encouraged by their faith.
Angie wrote the other day, sharing the story of Rahab in a way that I have never heard before, and I want to share it with you. It's a beautiful retelling that I know I can relate to and I'm sure you can too in some way:

Bring the Rain

If you have a minute, you really should read it--or come back when you can!

Proof

On Friday, I noticed that an outlet in Ali's room was dark and partially melted. I got a sick feeling in my stomach, and assuming that Sydney had put something in there, immediately thanked God for protecting my babies. I then began to wonder why she didn't tell me when it happened. That was pretty major, and she always tells on herself. I asked her about it, but she made things up because she didn't know...(it was chocolate, Lily did it, Gracie did it, etc).
Saturday afternoon, when I was changing Ali, Syd went and touched the outlet. It shocked her. She cried and was obviously very shaken up. I felt horrible. From that small amount of contact, part of the outlet was melted through. We were in a rush to get out the door, and thought that whatever she put in there must be gone because we couldn't really see anything.
Fast forward to Sunday. We opted out of eating with Jason's parents because we had things we needed to get done before our Super Bowl party. Again, I was in Ali's bedroom changing her diaper. I could see the outlet "glowing" in the small hole that happened as a result of Sydney touching it the day before. I had Jason come immediately, and we shut the breaker off. The outlet was very, very hot--almost too hot to touch. The wires were being burned and there were burn marks on the inside of the metal around it. The sheetrock was also getting burn marks. Jason thinks that it was probably 30 minutes to 1 hour away from igniting...when we would've been eating at his parents' house. We probably would've come home to extensive damage if not worse.
It wasn't anything that she put in there, but faulty wiring. This is proof to us that God watches over every detail of our lives. It didn't happen in the night or when Ali was taking a long nap. It didn't happen when we were at the birthday party, church, or any time in between. It happened when we were home and able to prevent it. I'm posting pictures so you can see just how close we were. We are so thankful that God is our Protector